I can’t stop the madness. The thoughts that are coming in at lightning speed are massively faster than I can keep up with. Refuting them is nearly impossible. They grab a hold of my mind so quickly that it leaves me reeling and at a loss of any and every tool that therapy has taught me. The combination of energy and depression leaves me swirling in the abyss of a mixed episode. I rub my fingers on my pocket cross and practice breath prayers to try to calm the chaos. I am trying to move away from the prayers of “Lord make the madness stop!” or “Lord take it away!” to an inhale of “The Lord is my shepherd.” and Exhale “I have everything I need.”

Do I have everything I need? My faith would say “Yes!” but my mind is in serious doubt. I heard a sermon recently on John 21. Jesus is restoring Peter to his faith and his mission. “Do you love me?” Jesus ask Peter three times. Each time Peter answers a subpar yes that denotes a lesser love. Perhaps Peter was scared. Perhaps he felt unworthy. Perhaps he didn’t trust himself to follow through with the upmost kind of love. He did just epically fail a test of faith and denied Christ three times in his darkest hour. Perhaps this is why Jesus calls him into restoration three times. But the thing that gets me is when Jesus tells Peter that Peter would not only live for him but Peter would die for him.

“After saying this, he told him, ‘Follow me.”

“Follow me.” Both profoundly simple and yet profoundly hard. So as I face this maddening in my mind and the anxiety that grips my heart, stripping me of my courage, and inflating the myriad of insecurities that flip through my mind like an old roladex, I must hear and heed the call of Jesus to “Follow Me.”

The worst part of my ever present illness is that I feel alone and isolated. I have people who are with me and for me for sure. They truly make a difference and hold me up when I am too weak to stand. However, no one on this earth can truly go with me to the dark places. The bottom of a pit is a lonely place to be. I don’t like to think that Jesus would have me follow him there. I prefer the Jesus that has me follow him to the mountain tops or even the valleys. At least in a valley you keep moving. You’re following him, the Good Shepherd, through the darkest valley. Through. But what about the pit. What about the darkness that over takes at the worst times. What about the bathroom floor where tears fall like rain. Am I still following Jesus then? That doesn’t fit nicely into my theological box. In those terrible fear stricken moments is Jesus still saying “Follow Me?” or better yet have I been obedient and am following him? Even if that is in the darkest pit? What if the answer is yes? Does that give me hope?

If Jesus has led me to the end of myself, to live out my calling, and even to die for him why do I feel like I’ve done something wrong? Why do I compare myself to others and their calling and ask as Peter did about John “What about him?” to which my Jesus replied “what is that to you? As for you, follow me.”

Follow him. This is my objective. Even when following Jesus leads to a profound darkness there is a promise: Jesus is there. If i am following him then he is there with me no matter the pit, storm, or the tile of a cold bathroom floor.

Sometimes I see the beauty in my illness. Most of the time, I don’t. But it really doesn’t matter what I see as I look around. My perspective is limited when facing earthly realities. My vision is only clear when I am transfixed on Jesus. Just because I do not have answers doesn’t not mean I do not have a calling. One that can only be fulfilled by being obedient to the one rule: “Follow me!”